Absentee

Dear Missing Half of Me,

Dad.

The person whose blood runs through me and half of me comes from.

For as long as I can remember, you’ve been MIA. For a long time, I saw that as a blessing. Being too young to actually realize what was going on and it really just becoming my normal. I grew up not knowing anything other than a life where my dad was only the stories I heard from other people and the few memories of the every-other-weekend visits that didn’t last very long and the nervous sick to my stomach feeling I got every Christmas waiting to see if you would actually show up or not and trying to figure out if I actually wanted you to- or not.

The youth pastor who was the first one to help out in the community. The basketball coach who everyone loved. My mom’s high school sweetheart.

Who ran from the life he knew when he had a kid.

A daughter.

Me.

I never thought about you much. It was such a normal part of my life it was like knowing I was short. Like I wish I was taller yeah but it’s whatever. Same thought process for a long period of time until around high school. You were very involved in a school in my county. I was very involved in my school which led me to being involved with other schools in the county.

Your “new” daughter, my replacement I thought of her as, that was around my age was also involved in some of the same things which led to you being at every county and area tournament I played in for all of my high school years. It never showed on the outside and I never really let myself sit a think about it, but I always wondered what it was about her that made you want to be in her life- but not mine.

I remember talking to friends from the school you taught at trying to learn as much about you as I could. You were a coach and that made me proud. I knew we had something in common. Everyone seemed to like you and your new daughter seemed to as well. That made me happy. I remember giving one of those friends a letter to give you at school one day. Pretty lengthy, handwritten. I was told they watched you start to open it as they handed it to you but they left to give you some privacy before they could find out anymore. I didn’t expect any sort of response, but I knew in my gut I hoped for one.

I tried to excel in everything I did. More than anything I wanted you to notice me. To get your attention and for you to be proud of me. Even if you never said it.

When you left your new wife a couple times, I finally got to meet the person from the stories and the memories. It was like meeting someone you read about in a history book. I’ll never forget sitting on the couch around 10:30 pm fresh out of the shower and ready for bed at Mama Dean and Pawpaw’s. I sat there waiting for you to walk in. I sat there frozen like I couldn’t move even if I wanted to. I remember that not many words were said, but you hugged me and at first I was expecting a Christmas hug, short and sweet, but it wasn’t. I’m not sure how long you hugged me, or how many tears we cried, but I will never forget the sound of “I love you pumpkin.” I couldn’t mistake your voice in a crowd a thousand people.

One day you never came back from work. I expected it. I was okay. I never even cried. I told myself I was grateful for those few days, and I was. I am. I finally saw my dad for myself. You were exactly the way I imagined you would be.

The few years I had left in high school were back to the way they were before- pretending I wasn’t half of you. Until the week of October 12, 2015. It was my senior year homecoming week. It was also when Mama Dean, my rock, your mother, passed away. She was the glue that held it all together. You came back to see her earlier in the day and she passed later that afternoon. You came back just in time for the funeral and stayed around for just a little while after. I was hoping you would congratulate me on the accomplishments of my senior year- especially when homecoming was that week and you knew I was on court. But you didn’t. That is when I realized no matter what I did I would never be enough.

And that was it.

Three years since I have seen you. Since I have seen my rock. And three years of the most emotionally and mentally challenging times of my life. My life of seeing you being away as my own normal slowly started to reveal itself as definitely not normal. Moving away from home for college, being on my own, old relationships fading and news one starting, I started to see that what I had trained myself to initially ignore and look past was actually very much there. My mind was wired in ways that made me want everyone to feel as loved as they could and I felt like it was my job to do that, leaving me drained and exhausted. Also, in ways that held me back from opening up to anyone new and pushing away anyone who tested that. But mainly, struggling to know my worth. Struggling to believe that anyone actually cares for me or that I am good enough for them.

I have finally seen the effects your absence has had on me. And as much I wish this was a thank you message or a forgiveness letter, I have been there and done that. And I am thankful for the strength I have because of you. And I do forgive you, because I know you have your reasons and I know we are only human.

But this is a release letter.

Not for you, but for me. I have an amazing life ahead of me. I have been blessed in more ways than I could count. My mom is Wonder Woman (your loss dude) and my step dad Dad is everything I hope my own daughter has for a dad one day.

So this is me letting the effects of your absence go. Realizing that I am allowed to be affected by it, but it does not define me. And I won’t let it control me anymore.

I was gifted with the desire to love, support, and understand everyone I meet and I will learn to allow them to do the same for me. I am worthy of being loved and cherished. My God tells me that I am more than worthy and that my circumstances do not define me.

So this is me accepting that I was affected by your absence and I am facing that now so I can overcome it.

I pray you find whatever it you’re looking for. I pray you stay close to God or find your way back to Him. I pray you know that I don’t resent you and I never will. But I am finally admitting and accepting that you hurt me so that I can allow myself to heal. Finally. Heal.